Giving Up.

No, I am not giving up on this blog.

I know, it may seem as if I have given up on this blog, but I promise I haven't. I just have the most insane schedule ever. No joke. I'm sitting here, thinking about what I have going on in my life right now in this moment and I am actually trying to prevent tears from gathering. I am just so tired.

I'm pretty sure I'm living two lives right now. One is the one I live every morning from 6:00 am until 12:00 pm. In that life I am a dedicated student teacher. I dress up in fancy professional clothes, I catch my carpool, I discuss education issues and how I want to be a better teacher. I am happy, put-together, and very, very professional. Then there is the life I live the rest of the day, from 12:00 pm to 12:00 am. In this life I am the crazy, scatterbrained college student, ill prepared for class, moody, trying to fight anger and sleep 95% of the time. I see my friends as often as possible, and still it is never enough. I turn in papers, I work as hard as possible to keep a gaggle of senior computer science majors happy, I read book after book, and I don't read enough. I stress, and I cry, a lot.

I wonder sometimes which person I am; am I this happy soon-to-be teacher? Or am I this moody college student who can't figure out which shampoo to use?

And is there more? I have so much more I want to do. I want to write in this blog. I want to write another creative non-fiction piece. I want to go to crazy dance parties. I want to cook elaborate meals. I want to learn to bake. I want to date random people. I want to fall in love. I want it to be Thanksgiving. I want it to be Christmas.

There is just so much, too much, sometimes.

But, you know what? I AM SO LUCKY!

Sorry, after that little rant of frustration I realize I need to now show how incredibly grateful I am for this big-crazy-overwhelming life I lead.

In General Conference last week, Thomas S. Monson spoke on gratitude.

He said, "To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

When he said that, I know that President Monson was speaking to me. It is so hard to remember gratitude. It is so easy to get caught in what I don't have, especially this year. So often now a days, I find myself looking back to those easy years, to my freshman year, and wishing everything was just the same as it was then. I wish that I had my boyfriend back, my easy classes, my easy calling, everything.

But then, I sit up and I realize how much more I have now. I have more friends, I have closer bonds to my family, I have an amazing job, I have so much more knowledge, I have so much more experience, I have so much more hope, and I have such a stronger testimony. I am lucky to have had these past few years, and I am lucky to have the life I have now.

Now, they key is to live that way. So I'm going to start right now...