Emma Verses the Sandworm [WARNING: RANT]

I need to say this:

I chose to do English because I like English.

I did not pick my major because it is easy.

I did not pick my major because I am afraid of science

I like science. In high school, I was the best in most of my science classes.

I more than passed the AP Bio test when most of the class failed it.

I didn't even study for it.

So, when you [yes, you, you chauvanist jerk who thinks the only real intelligence is that that is used in the "hard sciences"] hear that I am an English Education major, I hope you don't think it is because I am not as smart as you.

I could do what you do.

Could you do what I do?

Read The American Dream and write a 8-10 page paper for me. Read Julia Kristeva, and please explain to me what the abject means. Oh, and while your at it, please write a paper that places Virginia Woolf as an example of the artist archetype as explored in the short story "The Yellow Wallpaper."

Do that and tell me I'm not as smart as any physics major.

It's called using different parts of the brain.

It's times like these that I feel like double majoring just to prove that I can do whatever I want to do. I want to show the world that even though I haven't taken a science class since my freshman year, I can still learn science.

Anyone who wants to learn anything can do it.

Girl or boy.

Sorry. This is what results from grading posts about gender differences for two hours. Now I'm going to the bookstore to buy a book on computer programming and Strunk and White.

Hah. 

Oh. And just because I want to be a stay at home mom some day does not mean my education is less important. And I am not getting a degree just in case my future husband dies or anything like that.

I'm getting a degree because I am smart. And I want to be educated.

Euphoria, but no Ben and Jerry's

So, my hectic life is slowly becoming something that resembles normalcy...and I am so EXCITED!

My first block classes are coming to a close tomorrow, and it feels so good. Or it will feel so good after those two finals are done that I'm procrastinating studying for right now...

but whatever.

Anyway, I feel like I have complained so much recently about my first block classes that I really haven't taken the time to share the awesome experiences I have had...and really, there have been a few.

Tonight, I will just share one Reason Why I Can't Wait To Be An English Teacher:

I spent three weeks at Mapleton Jr. High where I worked with what has to be one of the greatest teachers around, Ms. Heaton. She was, and is, fantastic. She has been teaching for ten years, and yes, ladies and gentlemen, she still has it! Her lesson plans were phenomenal, her enthusiasm was inspiring, and her classroom management made be green with envy...if only I could wake up tomorrow and have ten years of experience telling me how to get thirteen-year-olds to respect me...if only!

The only thing better than Ms. Heaton was...the kids. Really. If anyone tells you they are in teaching for a reason other than kids, then they are doing it for the wrong reason!

Here, let me 'splain:

I taught a lesson on Making Connections  between the text and self, other texts, and the world. The lesson went okay. I was sick, of course, so I coughed through most of it. And the lesson itself was lacking in creativity. At the end of my 75 minute lesson, I really didn't know if the kids got it. As I read out loud to the class, one kid started falling asleep. As I walked around to discuss with groups, a couple kids hadn't done any of the worksheet. When I asked questions, I had to beg for answers. I was pretty sure I failed. I missed some important step in the teaching process where the kids actually get what you're teaching them.

Bummer.

But then, the next day, Lisa came into the classroom in a particularly good mood. She's a pretty talkative little girl, so I only partially tuned in when she started sharing the details of the dessert her mom prepared for her last night. But then, I heard a change in subject...
"So my mom always makes me read for thirty minutes every night." She explained. I couldn't figure out who she was talking to. She was half way across the room, and no one seemed to be listening to her. Her voice, however, increased.
"I usually hate reading. But last night, I actually kind of liked it, because I kept on trying to make connections to me."

yes.
yes.
YES!!!!!!!!!!
I had to fight the urge to go up to that little girl and hug the daylights out of her. I grinned until my cheeks hurt the rest of the day and I think I almost pranced out of the room when I left that day.

And all I could think, all that went through my head was...

Holy crap. I'm a teacher.

Giving Up.

No, I am not giving up on this blog.

I know, it may seem as if I have given up on this blog, but I promise I haven't. I just have the most insane schedule ever. No joke. I'm sitting here, thinking about what I have going on in my life right now in this moment and I am actually trying to prevent tears from gathering. I am just so tired.

I'm pretty sure I'm living two lives right now. One is the one I live every morning from 6:00 am until 12:00 pm. In that life I am a dedicated student teacher. I dress up in fancy professional clothes, I catch my carpool, I discuss education issues and how I want to be a better teacher. I am happy, put-together, and very, very professional. Then there is the life I live the rest of the day, from 12:00 pm to 12:00 am. In this life I am the crazy, scatterbrained college student, ill prepared for class, moody, trying to fight anger and sleep 95% of the time. I see my friends as often as possible, and still it is never enough. I turn in papers, I work as hard as possible to keep a gaggle of senior computer science majors happy, I read book after book, and I don't read enough. I stress, and I cry, a lot.

I wonder sometimes which person I am; am I this happy soon-to-be teacher? Or am I this moody college student who can't figure out which shampoo to use?

And is there more? I have so much more I want to do. I want to write in this blog. I want to write another creative non-fiction piece. I want to go to crazy dance parties. I want to cook elaborate meals. I want to learn to bake. I want to date random people. I want to fall in love. I want it to be Thanksgiving. I want it to be Christmas.

There is just so much, too much, sometimes.

But, you know what? I AM SO LUCKY!

Sorry, after that little rant of frustration I realize I need to now show how incredibly grateful I am for this big-crazy-overwhelming life I lead.

In General Conference last week, Thomas S. Monson spoke on gratitude.

He said, "To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

When he said that, I know that President Monson was speaking to me. It is so hard to remember gratitude. It is so easy to get caught in what I don't have, especially this year. So often now a days, I find myself looking back to those easy years, to my freshman year, and wishing everything was just the same as it was then. I wish that I had my boyfriend back, my easy classes, my easy calling, everything.

But then, I sit up and I realize how much more I have now. I have more friends, I have closer bonds to my family, I have an amazing job, I have so much more knowledge, I have so much more experience, I have so much more hope, and I have such a stronger testimony. I am lucky to have had these past few years, and I am lucky to have the life I have now.

Now, they key is to live that way. So I'm going to start right now...